When Sex Gets Unsexy – Guest Post

Guest post written by: Caitlyn from My Brain and Other Curiosities
Guest post written exclusively for Scarlet’s Letter!
I learned two things this morning. The first is that my Korean neighbor has taken up violin. The second is that there is nothing like screechy, pitchy violin scales to interrupt the flow of a much-needed pleasuring. Sigh.
I’m sure the same thing happens to all you lovely ladies. The wrong song on the radio, the outside interruption, the odd glimpse in the mirror that leaves you momentarily convinced that your bottom looks awful....sometimes you just can’t catch a break. (Though I do sometimes find that covering or turning the mirrors from the start is a big help with feeling self-conscious. Not a permanent fix for real self-image problems, of course, but a useful fix for the occasional bad day.) Sometimes sex just seems so...unsexy.
And then, of course, I got pregnant. We wanted a baby very much, but pregnancy made sex...interesting, shall we say. In theory, pregnant sex is no big deal: a little less energy at the beginning, a little clumsiness at the end, but at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant! It’s a piece of cake.....if by “cake” you mean “cake-shaped object your Great Aunt Mildred brought to Thanksgiving.” It may be pretty good, it may be not bad, and it may be terrible. You just never know.
As it happens, I got “terrible.” From very early in pregnancy, the baby was pressing on a nerve or something and any form of penetration HURT. Lots of lube, lots of foreplay, some pretty good toys and an incredible gentle husband, and it still hurt and hurt and hurt. (I don’t want to scare you ladies off or anything; this kind of pain is quite unusual, even for pregnant women.) On top of that my boobs were sore for a long time, my hips hurt in some positions, and I couldn’t use the positions that have always worked best for me. (My strongest orgasms have always been lying facedown on the bed. Doesn’t work with a belly.)
Sex was rough after the baby was born, too. I took a while to heal physically, and there was some emotion to work through as well. For some reason my mental “erotic map” seems to have changed as well, so Hero had to re-learn what I liked and didn’t like in bed. Not to mention all the complications that come from taking care of a small baby.
I will say, though, that while the pregnancy and baby have made sex harder, they’ve also made it easier in some ways. How can you help loving a man who adores your body through every change and stretch mark? Who gives you hugs and kisses and hot chocolate and reassurance for every mood swing and bad day? Who lets you videotape him dancing around the living room with the baby in his arms, singing along to 8 Days a Week? I have the most amazing Hero in the whole wide world.
But even with all the wonderful things that happen, sex doesn’t feel that sexy. So....what do you do? What happens when sex feels completely unappealing?
Darlin’, you have sex anyway.
You talk dirty to each other over phone or chat or text. You send him pictures of yourself (it only takes a few seconds to take a cleavage shot on your cell phone and send it to him.) You write out fantasies, or download written erotica and change the names and descriptions to make it about you and your sweetheart. (Hoochymail.com will do it for you, but their stories are a bit on the cheesy side. Still, better than nothing.) Put on lingerie sometimes, even if you don’t think sex will happen that night. And develop a few strategies to satisfy each other with minimal effort, so you can be generous without feeling cranky later.
Make it easy to take advantage of the moments that do arise. I keep blankets and a bottle of lube in the living room for when the baby falls asleep on our bed, and try to wear sexy underwear every day, so my husband has something to enjoy whenever clothes come off. Make special occasions easy to have.
You also may have to change your definition of sex. Sex is the giving and receiving of pleasure - intercourse is definitely not required. Orgasm may not be required. Figure out what you want and delight in that. Cuddle naked. Stroke each other. Exchange massages, sexy or otherwise. Make out in the kitchen while dinner is cooking. Give each other orgasms in the kitchen while dinner is cooking. Spend more time enjoying each other than worrying about your sex life.
This too shall pass. The sexy will come back. It might need some help, but it will come back. And in the meantime, enjoy each other any way you can.
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Special thanks to Caitlyn for writing this guest post, if you like what you read, check out her insightful blog My Brain and Other Curiosities or follow her on Twitter
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